The Stupid Case of A Pepsi Can and A Lazy Idiot
by Elise the Writing Desk
Summary: This is why you shouldn't litter, kids. Not because you have to care about environment, psh, no. Who cares about trees and rivers? No, no, it's the matter of life and death, son. A stupid Pepsi can will make you the shame of the world...once you litter it on a dead body. AU.


**The Stupid Case of A Pepsi Can and A Lazy Idiot**  
_December 7th 2014_  
by Elise the Writing Desk, Characters by QuinRose

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Fucking soda can—Pepsi. Do you know that my life now is going to end because I litter? Oh Jesus, Buddha, Dumbledore, anyone up there—please, _please_, this can't be! Why, why _me_!? Is littering so much of a sin that You're about to bestow me the most ridiculous death!?

I glanced to my lawyer, Elliot March. Seriously—why did I even try? WHY HIM. He's been spending two hours debating with the prosecutor—Boris Airay, over Pepsi or Coca Cola. This is hopeless.

I glanced to where my family was; Peter was having a headache, pissed off. Ace was having _the time of his life_, look at him—HE'S VLOGGING MY CASE WHILE LAUGHING—oh God. Oh God.

"The victim, Miss Snowpidgeon is dead, and the evidence is clear!" Boris yelled across the room. "The fingerprint on the Pepsi can directs everything straight to your client, Alice Liddell! It's not Coca Cola can, March!"

"Right—But there's also Coca Cola can there!" Elliot yelled back, slamming his hands onto the table.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" the Judge, Vivaldi Crims, angrily slammed her gavel. "We have no time for this! We should head to the guillotine right away!"

And for heaven's sake, Her Highness only wants to see a head roll—mine at best.

Oh God. Please. Please, just this time. I swear again to never litter in my life time if I'm saved—SO PLEASE SAVE ME, GOD, OH GOD DAMN IT GOD.

I can just imagine my funeral...

"It turns out, Miss Liddell wasn't guilty, after all." Boris Airay would start my eulogy by my coffin. "I feel terrible—I am, for one, was involved as a buffer of her unfair execution. She really did, just littered that Pepsi can, nothing else."

"Can you believe it?" Ace would be laughing. "This is a warning, guys! Don't litter around—lest' you'd like to find your garbage by a dead woman. Bam! Chop yer head off!"

And they laughed, and laughed, and laughed...

I bet the Grim Reaper would laugh at me and doubled over.

Even God would cry out of mirth.

Be all like;

"HAHAHA...JUST—JUST LOOK AT YOU. AHAHAHAHA..."

Upside: no one would dare to litter anymore. I'm just the unlucky example.

Downside: I'M FUCKING DEAD. EVERYONE'S LAUGHING AT ME. FUCKING PEPSI CAN.

Suddenly, someone entered the court—and damn, if that's not the hottest guy ever. Slick pushed back hair, dandy glasses, haven't shaved, but delicious—Oh God, Alice you're GOING DO DIE, WILL YOU FOCUS.

"Your Majesty! I'm sorry to interrupt, but there has been a mistake!" he says loudly.

And Oh. My. God. This sexy man is about to save me.

MEIN MESSIAH.

I should hail him—but then I'd hit my head to the table.

"State your name and business! So rude!" Vivaldi huffs, crossing her arms. She glares at me—Gosh, she really wanted my head, doesn't she?

"I'm Jericho Bermuda, I'm a Grave Keeper from Italy. This is all a misunderstanding—Miss Snowpidgeon was killed from Coca Cola poisoning."

The courtroom falls silent.

Elliot noiselessly said; "HA!" to Boris.

"Coca Cola poisoning? Has this been processed in the police department?" Vivaldi twitched.

"Uh no—the coke was expired for three years already..." Jericho awkwardly said, scratching the back of his head. "She's dead for a year already—that's why the autopsy result," he nodded to Boris, "Isn't wrong."

"SEE, I TOLD YOU!" Elliot laughed.

"WELL HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IF—"

BAM! BAM! BAM!

"Quiet you bloody scums!" Vivaldi yelled, and then glared at Jericho. "Will you just explain to us what on earth is going on!?"

Jericho turned to me, mumbling 'sorry', and I just shrugged, pulling my collar. God. I'm saved.

"Well, I was to move Miss Snowpidgeon's body from the local cemetery to Italy. Her family wasn't the only orders—I got a lot of orders to move bodies, and Mrs. Snowpidgeon's body just...well, fell from my car and rolled into the bushes of the park. Oh, she's also still holding that Coca Cola can, because we couldn't take it off. Aaand...well," Jericho turned to me and shrugged.

Vivaldi face palmed, looking absolutely bored and disappointed. She banged her gavel once.

"Whatever. This case is closed. The defendant's found not guilty."

~.X.~

Ace was crying. Oh, he's so happy. So happy. His video got hundreds millions of viewers on YouTube. Oh, I'm so famous right now; even my crush, Charles, who's deemed me invisible for five years doubled over whenever we met on the streets now.

Peter? Yeah, Peter was so angry—he was so convinced that I'm a total idiot—which is really bad, since the total idiot used to be Ace.

"See—_See_!? This is why I never littered!" Peter grumbled when he drove us home. Right. I totally thought he was just a clean freak. "Drinking bloody Pepsi and _the trash can was just a meter away—a bloody meter_!"

"Peter, Pete—"

"But no!" Peter abruptly stepped on the brake when we got in front of the house. "Just throw it over the shoulder! Awesome! And it toppled over a dead woman. Great. A dead woman and a Pepsi can with fingerprints—Now I'm a sexist murderer because _I'm lazy_."

Peter slammed the door in front of my face when Ace and I almost got in. Ace had to double over whenever he looked at me, and I hit my head onto the door.

"Peter should kill me now..." I almost cried.

And then the door was open.

And Peter was holding a gun.

Ace stopped laughing.

"Tell you what?" Peter smiled. "I _might_ do as well."

And then I started to run.

For the record, between Peter and guillotine, I'll just call Vivaldi next time about my beheading. At least the executioner didn't show his face.

Peter's angry face scarred me for life.

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**Maybe some of you have watched this show! I heard this hilarious thing from the stand up comedy, and then I got the whim to write this. If this made you smile, add it to your favorite list, and type ROFL in the review box if you have the time~!**


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